


'Cause After All

by babybirdblues



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Lots of Angst, M/M, Tim doesn't want any of that shit, Totally, also, at least, but my baby wanted it, even though he's in love with Jason, he's in love with Jason because he's in love with Jason not because of some tattoo, none of the characters other than Tim and Jason play really really big roles, tattoo over the heart means love of your life, that was the premise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:45:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybirdblues/pseuds/babybirdblues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Tim hides it.  Begs his nanny not to tell mother or father.  Because it'll go away.  He just burned himself - that's what he tells her; he even lets her wrap it up in bandages and medication.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Cause After All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [heartslogos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartslogos/gifts).



> for my baby girl because she is wonderful and it finally got me writing again. I'm actually really proud of this piece. O 3O

Tim's four when he first notices the mark.  It appears - or seems to appear - on the same night that two thirds of the Flying Graysons plummet to their deaths.  He stares at it in the mirror for hours, gently tracing the soft red.  The mark has to mean something.  It didn't just appear.  But Tim can't think of any reason for it to be there - or for what it could mean.

Mother would probably be able to tell him what it means - and how it got there - but he feels the urge to hide it.  It's not for mother or for father to see. 

It's Tim's.

So Tim hides it.  Begs his nanny not to tell mother or father.  Because it'll go away.  He just burned himself - that's what he tells her; he even lets her wrap it up in bandages and medication.

Then his parents leave again, and he makes himself forget about it - at least for a little while.

\---

The mark becomes a part of him.  Something he's used to - except he doesn't like to look at it.  He looked it up once, when he was eight and able to understand more of the books the librarian directs him to, and he's not sure he likes the idea.  The idea that there is only one person to be your one and only conflicts with everything his mother has taught him.  Then again, Janet never really loved Jack in the way she loved Tim.  Tim was part of her, something Jack never was; they didn't even have marks over their hearts.

Tim thinks that maybe they'd be angry on his behalf.

He never does find out.  Because he never tells them before they die.  Jack should have been told, but there was too much going on when he came out of his coma.  There were too many secrets Tim hid.  He didn't want Jack finding out his son would probably never find someone to really love on top of that - Jack loved Janet as much as he could love anyone.

Over the years he keeps the secret.  Not because he has to, but because it's habit.  It's just as well: no one he meets ever shares anything with the mark.  Not the colour - it's always just the tiniest bit off - and not the image that it takes.

He meets Steph and thinks - hopes - that maybe she'll be the one. 

Except she's not.  There is nothing about her that's the red of his mark - nor the image.  But he's happy with her.  While it lasts at least because - italwaysendsbadly.  He doesn't regret their relationship.  Not even when he regrets all the lies and the pain shared between them.  He refuses to regret them.

Especially when it turns out now that he needlessly mourned her.

But all of that is put in the past when he finally, _finally_ , meets the person who the mark symbolizes.

Tim feels like crying.

Or smashing his head against the wall until the problem is solved.

Jason Todd - the Red Hood, until-recently deceased, adopted scion of Bruce Wayne, former Robin, the list goes on - wears the helmet that's an exact replica of the mark adorning Tim's chest.

Jason Todd is the person Tim has subconsciously always been on the lookout for.

Jason Todd is Tim's soulmate, if you go by the meaning of the tattoo.

Jason Todd - just tried to kill him.

Days have passed and Tim's still not sure how he's supposed to react.

Because this is Jason Todd.  Jason Todd, who was Robin - who Tim adored, worshiped even.  Tim doesn't know what to do.  He ends up ignoring it.  Because things start to go bad fast and it's not like Jason cares about Tim.

Just because Jason might be - _is_ \- the love of Tim's life, doesn't mean Tim is the love of his.

\---

The plate doesn't bounce.  It shatters into hundreds of pieces, coating the wall and the desk below it.  A humourless laugh forces its way out of his mouth.  Throwing breakable items has become an oddly soothing habit.  He only has to be careful not to do it while Dick or Bruce are around.

Aside from Alfred, he's the only one in the Manor at the moment.  Tim knows that Alfred is dutifully ignoring the noises from his room - like he has before.  Except it's only for now; he'll be up if Tim continues to break things.  There's a certain correlation between the amount of things Tim breaks and the amount of visits from Alfred.  He might do a chart if he has time in the future.

But he doesn't let himself have time.  Dealing is easier when he's busy.  Because no one else knows - even if Alfred is closest - the pain that Tim is in: being destined to love Jason.  Jason isn't the sort of man to return it.

Not to Tim anyways.

He tries to put it behind him though.  Jason is becoming part of the family again and Tim has no desire to cause problems.  Tim will just continue as they were, interacting only when they're put together - just putting up with each other he supposes.  He can handle that.  It's fairly simple.

"Hey babybird."

Except it really isn't - "Yes Jason?" - and why is Jason even here?  Alfred was the only one supposed to be home right now.  The rest of them - the family - are out on a mission Bruce wouldn't let him out on.  He keeps telling Tim that he needs the time off.

"Think you can-"

There's a thump and Tim whirls around - he should have turned around before now but, really.  Anyways, Jason's behind him.  Bleeding.  Jason's lying on the floor and bleeding from the mangled remains of his stomach.

"Alfred!"

\---

Tim's glad that the wounds Jason suffered aren't as bad as they appeared.  It means Jason's still alive and, relatively, okay.  Too many people die on Tim and he's not sure he can handle it if Jason died too.  Not only for himself, but because he's not sure how he'd tell Bruce that he let his son die.  Would he hug him and tell him while he's wrapped up safely in warm arms?  It seems to work well when Bruce does it at least - and Tim should probably think of something else because Jason's _not_ dead.

It's just that, if he stops thinking other things he dwells on the fact that Jason's chest is bare.

He just wishes he could stop.

Because.  Because he knew from the beginning that he might not be anything to Jason - that he might not be Jason's the way Jason is his.

That doesn't change how much it hurts though.

Tim's seeing the proof and he wonders if the tightness in his throat is ever going to go away now.  As he chokes on a swallow he doesn't think so.  But then again he doesn't think a lot of things that used to happen will happen now.  Normally he'd leave: find some place quiet and work until the pain numbed.  There's no maybe anymore.  Tim knows it's never going to change now.

Jason will always be everything to Tim.

Tim will never be anything to Jason.

The chair creaks as Tim's whole body shudders.  He's not sure he can stay until Bruce and Dick get back from finishing the mission.  But someone has to stay to keep an eye on Jason and Alfred is upstairs patching up Damian. 

Jason makes a noise.  Tim flinches, eyes drawn back to the pale, unmarked space just above Jason's heart.  His throat tightens again.

Luckily Alfred descends the stairs before the tears welling in his eyes manage to fall.

"I.  I have to go Alfred.  I have.  I have some things to do."

Tim doesn't notice the distressed look on Alfred's face in his haste to leave the cave.

\---

Anywhere Jason normally visits becomes a place Tim avoids.  He's going to keep their relationship as it was - barely friends, barely any reason to be near each other - he really is.  He's just not going to go out of his way to see Jason.  Like he might of, when he first found out about Jason.

So Tim stops going to the pizza place that Jason loves - it had really good pizza, really - he gets his office moved to the floor below Bruce's - Jason only ever goes to Bruce's office through the window so it's not like he's going to see Tim - and he spends more time in his apartment than at the manor.

Actually, he spends more time in his apartment than anywhere.

He's not hiding though.  Really he's not.

Tam says he is.  She cornered him one day in the office and told him to suck it up.  Except not as nice.  Not nearly as nice.  Tim has a bruise developing from where she pinched his arm actually.

But the point is that Tim's not hiding.

In fact, he's going to go out to the manor as soon as he's dry and dressed.  The first Monday of every month is the designated 'Family Day' and Tim's not going to break his promise to be there each time.  There's no reason to break it.  Because he's not hiding - he's just making sure to not go out of his way to see Jason.

"Hey babybird.  Dickie sent me to make sure you're coming tonight."

The towel slips a bit on his hip and Tim tightens his already knuckle-white grip.  Really, he should have been prepared.  He's been expecting the other shoe to drop for weeks.  It just figures that it would be now.  Now, when Tim can't hide from it.

"Oh."

Jason's staring and Tim doesn't want his pity.  It is pity.  It has to be, because Jason's chest is still clear of any mark: Tim's or anyone else's.

"Yeah, oh."

Tim turns way then.  Because they can't have this conversation right now.  Not when they're both hurting and definitely not when all Tim wants to do is hit Jason for finding out what Tim's been hiding for over ten years.  Jason goes to follow.

"I think you need to leave Jason."

"Babybi- Tim.  I-"

A soft noise breaks through Jason's sentence and it takes a minute for Tim to realize it was him choking - on what he doesn't want to figure out.  But it stops Jason effectively and for that Tim's grateful.

"I really think you need to leave.  Tell Dick I'll be by later.  Forgot I had an appointment with Leslie I need to go to.  I'm pretty sure she will kill me if I miss it."

His voice doesn't waver -

"I - sure.  Sure I'll tell him."

\- and that's about the only thing he's proud of as Jason leaves his apartment.

\---

Jason stops being around Tim completely.

It's expected.  Tim is in love with Jason - he accepted that a year ago, alone in his apartment when he was supposed to be having dinner with his family.  Tim is in love with Jason and it only hurts them.  Mostly Tim.  But he's pretty sure that Jason's uncomfortable.  So, really, it would be better in the long run for them to stop being around each other.

He's just glad that he doesn't have to take the steps, to be constantly on alert.

Speaking of alert, Tim's nearly positive that Jason told Bruce.  It's the only thing he can think of that would make Bruce hug him more - when there's nothing wrong, but obviously there is something wrong with Tim.

But Bruce never says anything and Tim is more than content to follow his lead.

Tim keeps his mind on the mission and survives like he always has.  The only difference is the fact that

Jason - and Tim - can't avoid each other when Bruce takes Damian on a yearlong training mission.  He leaves Tim as Batman; it's a well known fact that the Red Hood has been working with Batman in recent years.  For him to suddenly stop would change things.  Not that Gotham's rogue gallery will think it's the same Batman - it's too easy to tell Bruce's Batman and Tim's apart.  Tim's Batman, is smaller.  Definitely smaller.

If Bruce had wanted someone to match physically he should have chosen Jason.

"Nice outfit."

Speaking of Jason, Tim wonders if Oracle called him in.  Because Tim certainly didn't.  He doesn't call Jason unless it's absolutely necessary.  To be exact, unless the choices are death, death and more death, Tim's content to suffer any damage that is inflicted on him.

He doesn't need Jason.

He doesn't want Jason.

Most of the time.

"Bruce's suit is nowhere near my size."

Jason doesn't respond at first.  He's making himself comfortable on one of the crates to the side of the room.  When he does speak it's quiet and hesitant.  Like Jason's trying to wrap his mind around something and just not getting there.  "You can't be Red Robin with that symbol."

"I'm not exactly Red Robin anymore Red Hood.  Anyways, I've thought about changing to Redwing," Tim mumbles absentmindedly as Jason snorts.  "Dick gave me the name."

He says the last bit pretty defensively.  Considering this is the first time in half a year he and Jason have been anywhere close to each other, he feels justified.  Jason was the one who stopped interacting with Tim.  A puff of air escapes as Jason leans forwards; the crate creaks with every move Jason makes.

"Tim look I - watch out!"

\---

Being shot in the head isn't the way Tim wanted to die.

Luckily, it's not how Tim's going to die.

Unluckily, being shot through the chest is probably how Jason's going to die - for a second time.

The bullet had torn through Jason's chest.  A clean through and through, which left the bullet only grazing Tim's temple.  Considering it should have been a clean shot Tim's grateful.  How Jason got across the room in time Tim doesn't know.  But he's grateful for that too.

He'd be more grateful if Jason was not bleeding to death in front of him - again.

It was different when Tim couldn't actually see Jason.  Because then he could pretend that he didn't need, didn't want him.  That he didn't love him with everything he had, which compared to others probably isn't a lot.

But now.

Now Tim barely has the sense of mind to try to stem the bleeding.  His fingers fumble with the hem of Jason's blood-soaked shirt.  It needs to be off so Tim can assess the damage without objects in the way.  The fabric won't stay in his fingers though.  It keeps slipping out and blurring - all Tim can think is that this is a stupid time to cry - horribly.

He finally gives up.

The bataraang soon becomes just as bloody as the shirt.  But.  It's easier to get to the wound this way.  What's not easy is trying to breathe when he gets a good look at Jason's chest.  It's not just the exit wound - Jason must have seen Tim's face, and he must be more coherent than he looks, because he tries to talk then.  Blood bubbles up past his lips but he still talks.

"I think.  I din't at first y'know 'bybird.  But Ido.  I do.  I love you now. I th'k."

Tim's fingers dig deeper into the fabric of Jason's ruined shirt.  He doesn't even register that Oracle is shouting orders to someone over the comm.  He doesn't realize how shaky his hands are getting, or that he's barely keeping himself held aloft by bracing - except his arms keep sliding outwards - his hands in the pool of Jason's blood.

"Wait.  Ineed.  Wait.  Waitf'me?"

Dick's falling over himself to get to them.  He seems a bit frantic and Tim can't really grasp the why right now.  Jason said all that Tim needs to hear, all that Tim's wanted to hear for over a year now.  Ever since he figured out he was in love with this stupid, brash, reckless man.

"I've waited my whole life to love you Jason.  I can wait a few more hours."

Tim takes one more glance down at Jason's chest.  Mostly to make sure it's still rising and falling.  The bat that adorns Tim's chest stands out stark on Jason's pale skin.  Tim has a fleeting thought that it's going to be the last thing he sees.

He's oddly okay with that.

 


End file.
